Hmmmm, so Saraki is a robber? I am just looking o. He has been everything since he emerged the Senate President. I just pity the man. Everything has been thrown at him from drug dealer to money launderer and now an Offa robbery kingpin. You know at times like these you can only laugh helplessly. I have met the man only once in his office and he didn’t look like a robbery kingpin to me. In fact, his skin was so smooth that I was almost tempted to ask the Baba what cream he uses. You see, the issue here is not only these Boy Scout games going on leading towards 2019.
The government had better come to a quick realisation that things are no longer at ease and the centre can no longer hold. As my late daddy Chinua Achebe once said, ‘Mere anarchy is being loosed upon the land.’ I think the Federal Government should wake up from its deep slumber and begin to engage the opposition constructively issue by issue and no longer allow its people to continue to push it into these kinds of entrapments; otherwise, some of us will begin to sense a white horse at play. The issue here is respect to the constitution, due process and the institutions that have been put to safeguard our democracy. If we continue to bastardise them on the altar of impunity against the persons who hold these positions, then we are beginning to stare at a failed state.
Me, I cannot live in a failed state and there is nothing the Canadians will do to stop me, I will migrate there and become the Duke of Toronto. Dealing with Saraki as it is beginning to look will not augur well for us as a nation except we deal with him according to the laid down principles as enshrined in our constitution. Labelling him a bank robber or a drug lord from Colombia will only serve to push people like me who believe in due process towards his camp. My lord – whichever of my lords whether it is the IGP or the President, no be like this them dey do am. Let’s be more strategic. Meanwhile Oloye, when is the next operation, do you need a get-away driver? Laugh wan kill me.
OPEN LETTER TO IGP IDRIS
I was very reluctant to write you this morning. You see, when things get like this, the elders must rise up and speak and as the Duke of Shomolu, I believe I have paid enough dues in this country to speak. My Lord, I have watched you from a distance and have been following your actions since you emerged as the undisputed Inspector General of our Police with calm equanimity. My brother, it cannot be easy. I really pity you and I hope you are checking your BP daily. These Nigerian problems can shake the strongest of men. My lord, kindly listen to me very carefully. You need to be calm. I know the pressure is massive especially with these unruly politicians who think they are larger than life. You see, we have to remain very strategic with one eye on our legacy; what would be said and written about our tenure when we leave.
I respect you o, do not let anybody deceive you. You can ask my best friend Baba Segun who recently retired from the force and who is constantly knocking my head in his own way of having fun. Says that was what they taught him at the police college. Let us move slowly, engage constructively, respect due process and the rule of law. You have been quite charismatic and effective. I like your outlook and your views, especially as it relates to civil-police matters and I think you have been perfectly positioned to be a great IGP. I offer my services to you as a shadow adviser, you can lean on me at these times so that we can work together in brining sanity back to this country.
It’s crazy all over the place, but no better IGP than you at this time. All we need is a little bit of calmness, more consultations across all spectres, a bridge-building attitude with less confrontational pose and much more important, consensus building. It will be for the good of all of us. Meanwhile, before you sleep every night, please drink cold glass of milk, to calm your nerves, get a massage and sing the national anthem. Before you leave for work do the same thing; smile a little bit more often and it will be well. Pele, egbon, it will be well. If you need some afang soup let me know, I will send some to you. God bless you always. Remember, let the constitution and the statutes that govern our daily lives both official and otherwise always be your guiding partner. I am praying for you. Don’t worry, you have my support. Pele. Kai. Meanwhile, I have 2 VIP tickets to watch Isale Eko for you. Let me know how I can get them to you. Please, only two o. I no fit afford to give more than that. No vex.
NATIONAL ASSEMBLY – ABEG, CALM DOWN.
You people like to do gra gra too much. Small thing, you will jump up and in terrible English, be shouting and threatening the whole place and when the fight come now, you will be jumping out of bus’ windows. You better calm down, life is not like that. You cannot be fighting someone who has a monopoly of legitimate violence with long grammar. I have just heard that you are secretly collecting signatures, I really hope that it is not true. Much as I am on your side on this matter, you will agree with me that una sef no try. You have a very bad image, truth must be said. Your members are going around with different corruption cases hanging on their necks, tales of bribery and corruption against your members everywhere, budget padding and all sorts.
So you cannot come to a fight like this without clean hands. Let’s stop doing the childish gra gra and begin to be strategic in our ways. Honest to God you guys are behaving like unruly schoolchildren and heating up the polity. Your President is a great man and he will always have my backing but he himself must be able to lead a much more constructive assembly not this one that, people are wearing ill-fitted Gucci Suits around and not making any common sense. You guys are really embarrassing me. Please immediately call another joint session between the 15th and 19th of August, I would have been released from the other room for me to come and address you all on the need to be constructive and strategic as we head up towards 2019. We cannot afford a constitutional crisis or the bastardisation of our democratic institutions on the altar of greed and personal avarice. This is a tepid warning from the Duke of Shomolu, the next one will not be this mild. GET YOUR ACTS TOGETHER. Thank you.
MIKE ADENUGA STORMS ISALE EKO
So our stage play is coming up this Tuesday, June 12, and will run until the 16th, 2018 at the prestigious Muson Centre with me the enigmatic and only true friend of the IGP Executive Producing. Recently, my director, the highly talented William Benson, complained to me about his inability to procure some props. Kai, I looked at my budget and all the people that promised to sponsor have run away. As we were talking, my phone rang. It was an unknown number. I did not want to pick the call. I was sure it was that MUDI who has been disturbing me for complimentary tickets. The Urhobo man, gave me N40,000 sponsorship and has collected over N200,000 worth of complimentary tickets. So I refused to pick this call. But kept ringing so to mute him, I took and whispered that I was in a meeting. But the voice calmly said, I am Mike Adenuga.
I started shaking. My knees started knocking at each other and sweat became my companion. I greeted the oga in a trembling voice. Did not know whether I should speak English, Yoruba or Ibibio. He said he loved me and would like to support me and that I should send my account number. Kai, baba mi. at this point, I decided to punish Diamond Bank. Me, I will not give the BULL Diamond Bank account number for I know that this expected ‘’attack’’ will catapult them into the elusive top five of banking. If you see the way that girl embarrassed me when I went to beg for sponsorship.
Na only N200,000 I go beg for o. Well, na my biography I go better explain. I just send my FCMB. That Diran guy na wonderful being. As I just press the button, my daughter Zara knocked my head and I woke up. Kai, it was a dream, no Bull o. No Glo money. No Adenuga.Just me and my empty big head. Well, no problem as mummy once said, there is god o. We will do the show. My readers please come and see the play at Agip Recital Hall Muson Centre, June 12, 15 and 16. Give me a call, you just might get a complimentary ticket.
CARROT – ESTATE PLANNING WITH TECHNOLOGY
One of my mentors who is press shy – If I mention his name here peren, he will castrate me o – called and asked that I send my email address so he could send me something. I quickly sent my account number. The guy laughed and said, Edgar stop being funny and send your email address. I sent and he sent me a message. What he sent captured my imagination: Estate planning through the use of technology. Kai, this immediately resolved all the wahala that comes with wills, probate and in bequeathing in the event of passing on. So through the online platform, one can write his will update and keep. What that means is that it will most likely reduce all the wahala that usually comes with this kain thing. I have wanted to write my will but have been lazy about it; maybe because the only thing I have to bequeath to my long-suffering first son are my office shirts and debt to GTB. But with this technology, I will look into it again. The thing is making sense. I only pray that my madam will not go and bust the password and change everything o. Well done sir, let’s keep talking.
WALE OYEDEJI – A GOOD MAN
Very few people are built like these days. A great and principled man, laced with uncommon intelligence. I have just heard that Wale has exited GTB. I haven’t confirmed this news from the man himself. But if this is true, then it is a great loss to GTB but a massive gain to mankind because now he will have more time to positively affect us. Well done, bruh, and where is the party?
*Written By Joseph Edgar
