Polygamy too risky, says retiree
For some men, particularly in communities where tradition still shapes daily life, the decision to marry more than one wife is not always about pleasure or patriarchy.
Beneath the surface of such decisions lies something far more fragile: a deep fear of loneliness.
It is the lingering dread of spending twilight years in an empty house, of shuffling through illness or frailty without a hand to hold for support, that propels some men toward polygamy.
DANIEL AYANTOYE writes that what may appear as indulgence, especially to women, is, for these men, an anxious insurance policy against the dread of growing old without companionship
As the sun set over Ibadan and the city’s daily bustle gave way to a calmer rhythm, 82-year-old Mr Moses Odeyale gently spread a thin wrapper across a wooden bench beside a roadside kiosk.
That bench, though rough and narrow, had become his bed, for not just tonight, but for many nights over the past few months.
His once commanding voice now trembled, not only with the fragility of age, but with a deep, unspoken sorrow.
“I didn’t marry another wife because of my faith,” he said, eyes clouded with emotion yet refusing to let tears fall. “I am a Jehovah’s Witness. We believe in one wife. The Bible supports that.”
Nearly 50 years ago, Moses and his wife, Rebecca, stood side by side before a magistrate and pledged their lives to each other.
They sealed their union in a court marriage, believing it was the beginning of a shared journey.
Though his work as a trader took him far north to Sokoto, Ibadan, where his wife and children lived, remained home in his heart.
“We built that house together,” he said slowly, almost as if trying to reclaim the truth for himself. “I gave her money for the land; it was N30,000 then. I handed everything to her, even the building plan. It had both our names. Now, she has changed the name.”
For years, he toiled, journeying back and forth, bringing home earnings to support his family and fund the construction of what was meant to be their shared dream, which was a modest five-room house in the heart of the city. Today, that dream, he said, belongs to someone else, and it is not him.
He alleged that his wife had turned their children against him, leaving him to fend for himself in the streets.
“I am suffering too much,” he said, his voice cracking under the weight of despair. “I sleep outside. I have no house, no room, nothing. We didn’t have serious problems, just quarrels like every couple.”
But in sharp contrast to Odeyale’s restrained grief, his 74-year-old wife offered a defiant and bitter perspective.
“He squandered his money,” Rebecca said firmly. “He never stayed with us. What kind of husband only comes home once in a while and claims to be building a home?”
She insisted their marriage, though legally binding, was never truly lived.
“We never spent even one month together under the same roof. He was always in Sokoto. And the money he should have used to build four flats? He spent it on prostitutes.”
Rebecca also claimed that she, not her husband, paid for the land, purchasing it for N27,000 at the time.
“His friend only advised me to put both our names on the documents,” she added. “But he cannot come and claim anything now. He has no place in my house. I will not give him any room.”
A more worrisome situation
At 64 years old, Kayode Morakinyo’s heart carries both tales of joy and sorrow.
His journey, shaped by an evolving family structure, began with a promise he once made to himself: that he would not follow in the footsteps of his late father, a man who married two wives.
For many years, he honoured that vow, living contentedly with his wife. He never imagined that a crisis would change everything.
“I thought I would spend the rest of my days with her. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes my father made,” he told Saturday PUNCH.
But life has a way of twisting even the best intentions. After the unfortunate death of his first wife, Morakinyo found himself at a crossroads.
What once seemed like a blissful marriage soon turned into a complicated reality, as he remarried and brought two more wives into his life within a short period—a transition that would test the patience and resilience of even the strongest soul.
But as quickly as the new marriages began, disagreements set in. One of his wives eventually left him to remarry.
For a while, Kayode was left to navigate this emotional maze alone while battling arthritis, an ailment that had troubled him for years.
Then, his second wife also left, leaving behind their eight-year-old daughter, Morenikeji.
“She’s the one who takes care of me at home now, doing the little she can, while others send their support,” Kayode said.
“If I had stayed with only one wife, do you think I would have been better off?” he asked.
“No. I would have been alone. I’d be struggling to handle everything: cooking, cleaning, and laundry, all by myself. I benefited from marrying more wives because they all support me now. If I had more, maybe one would have stayed.”
In a similar twist, 60-year-old Olaide Adepegba, a businessman, has found himself stuck in a routine far from ordinary, especially for a man his age.
Every morning, between 7 am and 8 am, he arrives at his usual spot in Ibafo, Ogun State, eagerly waiting to buy his favourite ogi (cereal pudding made from corn) and akara (bean cake).
But this daily ritual is more than just a love for food. It has become a necessary part of his life since his wife abandoned him.
He once shared a home with a woman he loved deeply and with whom he had vowed to live “for better or for worse.”
Yet, the “worse” came sooner than expected. His wife relocated to another state to live with her “wealthy relative,” with their three children.
“She left because we were always quarrelling over family issues, mostly about money. Such is life,” he said.
Now, he lives alone, managing the day-to-day reality of his remaining years.
Lonely senior citizens
Loneliness and abandonment among older adults in Nigeria are more prevalent than often acknowledged.
According to a study published on ResearchGate, about seven per cent of older adults in Ondo State reported significant feelings of loneliness, even while living with family members.
This highlights the reality that physical presence does not always equate to emotional connection.
Factors such as retirement, bereavement, family disruptions, and diminished roles in household decision-making contribute to social isolation and its harmful effects on mental health.
Further compounding the issue, data from the National Library of Medicine (under the National Centre for Biotechnology Information) revealed that a 2020 study conducted on retirees in North-Central Nigeria, with an average age of 71, found that 53.7 per cent experienced loneliness, while 61.5 per cent suffered from depression.
Alarmingly, about 45 per cent of these elderly people lived alone, increasing their vulnerability.
A qualitative aspect of the study also noted that rural-urban migration of younger family members had drastically weakened social ties, leaving many elderly people emotionally stranded.
The World Health Organisation recently revealed that annually, loneliness causes the deaths of no fewer than 871,000 people globally.
It noted that loneliness heightens the risk of noncommunicable diseases like stroke, heart attack, diabetes, depression, anxiety, and suicide.
These figures paint a sobering picture: ageing in Nigeria, especially for men without strong family support, often means facing the twilight years in painful isolation.
Religious divergence on marriage
Different religions hold varying views on marriage, particularly regarding the number of wives a man may have.
While Christianity strongly preaches monogamy, other religions, such as Islam and traditional African spirituality, permit a man to marry more than one wife.
In Christianity, the Bible advocates one wife, especially among church leaders.
In contrast, Islam allows polygamy under certain conditions – only if the husband can treat each wife fairly and equally.
These religious positions continue to shape societal attitudes towards marriage across cultures and communities.
AbdulHameed Opeyemi, a devoted Muslim, is a young man at the cusp of adulthood.
In his mid-30s, he hasn’t yet walked down the aisle, but already, he is contemplating a decision that many might consider unconventional.
“I am not married, but I will marry more than one wife,” he said.
Opeyemi’s perspective is rooted in his understanding of how human relationships naturally evolve.
“I can see what is happening in the world around me. The nature of man isn’t naturally restricted to one woman. It is a part of who we are.”
His reasons, however, go beyond just the allure of multiple partners.
Opeyemi’s primary concern is loneliness, the kind that can set in unexpectedly in the later stages of life.
“When you get older, and your children grow up and start their own families, you will find yourself alone. If your wife goes to care for your children or their children, where will you be?” he asked.
It is a future he already envisions; one where he fears being left behind, alone, as the cycle of life moves on without him.
He explained that he had seen too many elderly men experience the painful isolation that comes with ageing.
“When a man gets old and can’t do the things he used to do, whether it is working, providing, or even being physically capable, his wife may not want to do the things she used to do for him before.
“Sometimes, she will see it as an opportunity to punish him for things that happened in the past, or maybe just because she feels she no longer has to care. But if a man has more than one wife, there won’t be room for that kind of loneliness and neglect,” Opeyemi said.
But for 71-year-old Patrick Adepegba, life has been full of lessons and choices that have shaped a peaceful existence with his wife for over five decades.
Settled in his home in Ibadan, he reflects on the decisions that have kept him grounded.
“I have one wife, and I will never have one and a half wives,” he said with unwavering certainty.
For Adepegba, the idea of marrying another woman is simply too risky.
“A man has to be careful because women can be dangerous. The two women may eventually kill you,” he said, smiling.
“If they don’t, the first wife may kill you if she discovers you have married another,” he added with a firm tone.
For him, the complexities and potential dangers outweigh any possible benefits.
Adepegba has lived a peaceful life with his wife, working together to manage her foodstuff business while raising children and grandchildren.
His loyalty to her has been unwavering, and he proudly speaks of the bond they have cultivated over the years.
“Life with one wife has been more peaceful and beneficial. It will be like you are living in paradise if you are with a good wife.”
His Christian faith also played a role in his decision not to marry more than one woman.
“If I had married another wife, I would have faced the church penalty,” he explained.
For him, this religious stance is not just a rule to follow, but a conviction that aligns with the peaceful life he desires.
Speaking with our correspondent in the small, cosy shop, Mrs Adepegba sits across from her husband, her eyes soft but firm as she reflects on their long journey together.
The weight of over fifty years of marriage is evident in her words; words that carry the wisdom, resilience, and commitment of a woman who has weathered both the joys and storms of life.
When asked about the challenges of ageing and whether she has ever been tempted to live with her children, her response was steady, laced with love and unwavering conviction.
“My children will not allow me to leave their father. The most I can do is visit them, perhaps sleep over. But after that, I always come back. I have made my vows, and this is where I will remain.
“He never thought of having a second wife, and I never thought of having another husband either. We have been together for over 50 years, and that is how it will be.”
Need for legal reforms
Weighing in on the issue, public affairs analyst and Executive Director of the Human Rights and Justice Group International, Prince Devison, emphasised the urgent need for legal reform in Nigeria for ageing population.
“Most of our laws are outdated. The government should consider introducing social insurance trust funds that specifically cater to the aged,” he said.
On the matter of polygamy, Devison suggested that having more than one wife may provide options for men, especially in cases where they may experience domestic mistreatment in old age.
“But this comes with greater responsibility. A man must be wise, because once a woman sees that you have no other option, she might treat you badly in old age. This can turn a vulnerable old man into a social burden.”
Need for cultural shift
Human rights lawyer, Inibehe Effiong, described the issue as a deeply rooted social problem that cannot be resolved through legislation alone.
“This is not a matter for the law to address. What we need is a cultural shift. Families must be encouraged to foster unity, understanding, and compassion,” he noted.
Effiong explained that while statutory marriage binds a man to one wife, customary marriage permits polygamy.
However, he stressed that many cases of neglect in old age often stem from poor planning.
“Sometimes, what we interpret as neglect is simply the result of a failure to plan for retirement. People must make conscious efforts to prepare for old age, financially and emotionally, so they are not left at the mercy of others who may lack empathy.”
He also lamented the erosion of communal values, pointing out that in more developed societies, institutions such as care homes exist to support the elderly when the family unit fails.
Young men shouldn’t abuse economic power – Former CAN president
Adding a spiritual perspective, former President of the Christian Association of Nigeria, Reverend Samson Ayokunle, said both men and women have critical roles to play in avoiding abandonment and loneliness in old age.
“A God-fearing woman would never abandon her husband, no matter his weaknesses. Likewise, a godly man would not live irresponsibly and expect loyalty in old age.”
He warned men, in particular, against abusing their power when they still hold economic influence, noting that children often grow closer to their mothers.
“If you maltreat their mother or neglect your family while chasing a side chick, the consequences may catch up with you in later years.
“Take care of your family while you are still strong. Be kind to your wife. Build emotional wealth with your children. Because when strength fades, relationships, not just money, will be your support. Time changes everything. Befriend your wife so your children can befriend you.”
Irresponsible past doesn’t justify abandonment – Islamic cleric
Offering an Islamic perspective, Dr Abdulwahab Danladi, an Islamic scholar and Associate Professor of Islamic Studies at the University of Ilorin, said family care is a spiritual obligation, not a transactional arrangement.
“The responsibilities of a family are not measured through a balance sheet. It is not transactional. A man’s past irresponsibility does not justify abandoning him in old age,” he said.
He stressed that Islam does not support neglecting the elderly, regardless of their shortcomings.
“Even if a man was not responsible to his family in his prime, it does not mean he should be forsaken when he grows old. A woman is expected to stay with her husband, even in old age.”
The cleric further explained that polygamy in Islam is not merely about satisfying personal desires, but a solution established to address broader societal challenges.
“Polygamy in Islam is not just about solving marital issues; it was instituted to address social problems,” he added. (Punch)
