Lead servant at Gladys Obishili Ministries International, Pastor Gladys Obishili, talks to AJIBADE OMAPE about the just-concluded Singles Masterclass for women and highlights certain factors that contribute to long-lasting marriages and the high rate of divorce
What inspired this Singles Masterclass 101 for women alone?
I run the marriage ministry for both single and married people. But this masterclass was inspired because I’ve carried this in my spirit for a long time. I realised that many of our ladies don’t understand what marriage is all about, what being a married woman is, and what being able to hold a home and sustain a home means.
What informed the advent of a woman after God’s creation?
One of the best ways to maximise any subject matter is to look for the place of first mention. Where was the woman mentioned in the Bible, and what necessitated her being created? What was the core reason why she came?
Many of our ladies get into marriage with many false expectations, and when what they expect is not what they get, they get challenged. So, I bore this in my spirit for a long time, until last month, the Lord inspired in my heart that it was time to do this, and then He’s calling for the ladies in particular.
Our ministry is for both males and females, but this masterclass is especially for ladies, because, like Proverbs 14 tells you, ‘A wise woman builds her house, it doesn’t say the man or the joint venture’.
You’ve described this event as mind-renewing and transformational. What personal experiences shaped the message you’re bringing to this masterclass?
Everything falls into the mind, and the mind informs what we do or avoid doing. The way you reason affects every other thing. I grew up saying that I wanted to get married without expecting failure. I don’t do what will lead to failure; I like to be sure of what I’m into and give it my all under God. So, I had that mindset.
When you are on a journey to make it work, you give it your best, but when you have a Plan B, you can’t give it your best.
Most of the challenges in marriage today are because you always have a plan B in your subconscious; it may not be spoken, but it’s there.
They’re making alternatives. When you’re entering into a thing, be it business, ministry, or your career, with your mindset to be on the A list, naturally, it will inform your decisions on what you do. It all lies in the mind, and our mindset is key in our journey as humans on this path of eternity.
One of your topics is ‘Positioning to be found’. What does that mean in today’s world of dating and relationships?
I’ve observed that there’s a level of socialisation that you’ve got to get into, you can’t be in obscurity and expect to be found. A lot of ladies don’t interact, can’t hold an intelligible conversation, and can’t relate. That is why many of them get into a man’s bed even when they don’t intend to, because they can’t hold a constructive conversation, and don’t know how to draw the line.
Many assume that when somebody is paying attention to you, the person who likes you speaks about marriage; some may be in a relationship for a long time without asking the guy to define the relationship. So, there’s a way you position yourself.
I remember when I met my husband of 26 years; I came in from school very early in the morning, planned to rest, and then go to church on Sunday. Still, my father insisted I follow them to a church programme. So, I had to prepare and follow.
In that meeting, I met the husband of my youth, and I’ve been married to him for the past 26 years, and many more years to come, and we are blessed with four adult children. If I had missed that meeting, I would have missed him.
So, you can’t hide, even in the Bible, we saw the story of Ruth. Ruth had to position herself at the feet of Boaz, without saying anything. There’s a way you position yourself to be found; you must engage, you must belong to a community, for you to be seen, and you can’t be a recluse and then expect to be married; it doesn’t work that way.
How do you guide women in balancing their purpose with the pursuit of marriage?
We have a programme in our ministry called Singles with Purpose, and because of what I do, I’ve had to interview different women, including the married. In marriage, there’s an instruction about the woman submitting to her husband, and the man loving his wife.
In Ephesians, Chapter 5, from 22 down, I tell women, let your husband find you discovering purpose, don’t just be a laid-back person. For both males and females, there’s a reason why you came to this part of eternity; you’re not a biological accident, and you are a deliberate creation of an intentional God.
There are things God has wired into your DNA that you must fulfil on earth, otherwise, you’ll be among the statistics of people in the grave who have died with their talents; they’ll tell you the richest place on earth is the grave.
Purpose is key; there’s a reason why you came, and purpose makes you tick. For years, this dream has been alive in my spirit. I thought they were just flickers of my imagination, but things began to unfold. So, we are wired, there’s something in our DNA from divinity, to be a blessing.
When a woman discovers purpose, for instance, even men also; there will be less of an expectation because when you find fulfilment in your purpose, no one can satisfy you. My husband is a blessed man, but he knows that I draw my bearing from the secret place. No man can meet your needs. Every human being is a baggage of challenges, concerns, and all manners.
Is modern-day feminism a reason that women find it difficult to submit in relationships and marriages?
I’m a pastor, and there is no 21st-century Bible. As ministers, Our goal is to bring back God’s original intent for the marriage institution. When I’m speaking, I tell ladies, I’m for you and not against you, I’m your gender, and I’m going to tell you what works. There is no femininity in the Bible.
A woman is meant to be feminine, tender, and beautiful. Your beauty lies in your gentleness and beautiful demeanour, not in aggression. Women are not wired to be aggressive. I say that a woman is not made from the dirt or the rock.
Man was made from rock, and the woman was made from a refined product. So, all these characters, misdemeanours, and what have you, are not a woman’s thing. A woman who understands her own knows there’s no basis for competition with a man. There’s nothing like feminism.
What role does faith play in the teachings and discussions at the Masterclass?
Faith means believing and having confidence in God; what you trust in matters. Do you have faith in marriage? Do you have faith in who you are, and that all that God has said concerning you can be a possibility? Without faith, no man can please God.
We do not see God, but he has written his book and given it to us to guide us. Do you trust God enough to allow him to hold your hand and walk you through the path of life? Everybody believes in something; I believe in Jesus, and since I gave my life to Christ, it has been a plus for me; I am being led by the Spirit of God. Faith has a lot to do with marriage.
The way I met my husband and all that is a journey of faith. It’s a journey of faith. So, there’s a place of relationship with God, and it’s a journey of faith. He is a God you do not see, but you see His works. So, it’s a journey of faith.
What message do you hope every woman takes away from this Masterclass, regardless of where they are in their relationship journey?
There is more to you as a woman than just being a gender. There is more to you as a woman than even marriage itself. It takes two whole people to make marriage work. When you are whole, you take your place in destiny. When somebody has emotional wounds, they misinterpret things and perceive things from the wrong perspective, but when you are whole, you invest your best to see your marriage work. My message is that you make your marriage work by all godly means.
You’ve been married for 26 years. What would you say have been the most important factors for your successful marriage?
First, the Holy Spirit; we all carry the weight of our frailties, flaws, human weaknesses, and so much more. But my godly background has helped me a lot. My husband is a man who also fears God, and we are friends. There is nothing we can’t tell each other, we communicate, we play.
I’m just privileged; my husband is not a grudgy person. He doesn’t keep a record of wrongs and resentment. When he’s wrong, he will tell you. I’ve also learnt something; I tell people, when your partner is telling you what hurts him or her, don’t wait to respond; listen and hear his heart.
As the case applies, you may be right, and he may be wrong. But understand that despite his being incorrect, there’s a pain in the heart. So, listen and seek to soothe that pain. Then you can come back and explain yourself.
But sometimes we always want to win arguments or have the last word, and with God on our side, God has helped us. You know, friendship is key in any relationship. When you meet your own, there is peace. When I met my husband, despite all my playing hard to get, I had this deep-seated peace in my heart that has not left me for the past 26 years of marriage, and even before marriage, during courtship.
Again, when you allow God into your home and maintain His covenant, He helps you. He is the third person in our relationship, and He helps us. That’s why God has been there for us. I’m not perfect, and I know he isn’t either, but we are growing together and loving each other.
Looking at the high rate of failed marriages and divorce cases in Nigeria and across the world. What factors contribute to issues in failed marriages and divorce?
Wrong expectations, ill and insufficient preparation, and a false mindset contribute to failed marriages. Many people come into marriage with ‘What is in there for me?’ I need to buttress this more. Marriage is a platform of service, a platform to serve the other. Marriage is a platform to impact lives.
When a man sees a girl, he looks at her and says, ‘How can I improve her life and help her grow into a better person? When a woman sees a man who wants to marry her, she looks at him and says, ‘How can I better this man’s life? How can I carve a niche for myself in his heart? How can I bless him? This is what it should be, instead of having the wrong mindset.
There’s so much that old wives read that pollutes their minds, and then they come into marriage with a wrong mindset, preconceived mindset against their in-laws, their family, and what have you. Keep your heart pure. Come to serve.
I tell people that, in marriage, the head is the man, and it’s non-negotiable. Anything that has two heads is a monster. The head of the home is the man, under God.
But leadership is subject to the subject matter on the ground, and who has the best knowledge about that matter. Whoever serves in the kingdom, leaders serve.
So, whoever serves in any union is the leader in that home. It may be a wife, it may be a husband, or it may be even their children. Whoever serves is the leader in that home. And I say to our men, please, in place of mutual submission, when your wife has superior knowledge over any subject matter, submit to her.
It doesn’t reduce who you are. The family name still belongs to you. I advise women to be contributors. As a woman, study, train yourself, and grow. Men are logical. For a man to converse with you, you must be able to hold an intelligent discussion.
What advice would you give newlyweds to help them build a sustainable and long-lasting married life?
Marriage is beautiful. But you must renew your mind. Ask yourself, ‘What is my mindset about marriage?’ Are you ready? Or are you just joining the statistics? What are you bringing to the table? Can you go the distance when your spouse changes physically or emotionally?
Marriage is deeper than feelings; it is spiritual. God gave us marriage as a gift. What we make of it is our gift back to Him. Speak life into your marriage. Your spouse is not the enemy; the devil is. Anyone can be vulnerable. (Punch)
